Awkward City

You know how cartoons in commercials have late-night epiphanies where they sit up straight in bed and their nightcap flies off their head in excitement? I had one of those last night, and I’m still looking for my hat. (Unrelated: It’s totally weird cartoon characters wear hats to bed, even though most of the people I know don’t even wear pants after 7.)

He’s wearing a hat but no pants. Why is that ok?

Three Really Good Similes for My Life

– If my life was a city, it would be called Hot Mess and it would be populated by people who couldn’t have a conversation without desperate 45-second silences between topics. Everyone’s credit card would be constantly rejected, and everyone’s last name would be unpronounceable on the first try.

– My life is like being a Blobfish who was raised by a school of Royal Tangs and can’t figure out why his best friend got to star in a Pixar film while no one will make eye contact with him. (That was a joke for all the marine biologist/Disney-enthusiasts out there.)

– My life is as awkward as a list with only two good similes in it when you were looking forward to three.

For me, life is a constant sweaty catastrophe and when I look around, other people’s lives are not like that. Of course, there are people who are as bad or worse than me, but last night I finally figured out what makes my life precisely 673% more awkward than the average human’s. As my friend Jeff has been telling me all along, my reactions to things are what get me into trouble. Once I react to something in a completely stupid way, I spend the rest of the interaction trying to come back from it, which only makes everything worse. This happens with people (read: everyone), animals (read: cats), and even inanimate objects (read: mostly doors and ATM machines).

Pictured: the bane of my existence.

Recent Examples of Reactions Gone Horribly Awry

– About a month ago, someone I’ve had conflicts with approached my office while I was talking to my officemate, Ashley. A suave, diplomatic person would have smiled disarmingly or maybe said something badass before making an exit. Since I’m not a suave, diplomatic person, I yelled “NOOO!” and then tried to cover it up by pretending I was yelling at poor Ashley, saying things like, “Bad Ashley!” and “Sometimes I have to yell at you!” while shaking my finger a little. Shockingly, no one was fooled.

– Earlier this week at a restaurant, our waiter was the most handsome man in the world, who I may or may not have been casually stalking for the last four years. When my friend pointed this out, I turned purple and forehead veiny, then spent the rest of the meal avoiding eye contact and staring longingly every time he left. When he gave us three pens for four receipts at the end of the night and told us we’d have to fight over them, I slammed my fist into my palm and said something like, “Don’t worry. We’re super good at fighting. We’re the fighting-est.” I left my number on the back of the receipt because it seemed like a good idea after a few drinks and even though he hasn’t called, it’s probably just because he lost it. Right?

– Yesterday morning, I walked into a bookstore and almost bumped into a guy I’ve only talked to via Facebook. Instead of introducing myself like a normal person, I turned around and tried to hide behind a shelf. If someone hadn’t stopped me, I probably would have tried to hide ON a shelf, between the thickest textbooks I could find. Of course the guy I’ve never met saw me do it and of course we made eye contact immediately afterwards, which makes the whole thing infinitely worse than an actual introduction, no matter how uncomfortable, would have been. So now I can never, ever meet him in real life because he’ll be like, “Oh yeah! Didn’t I see you try to squeeze onto a bookshelf to avoid human interaction?” and I’ll be like, “What? Me? You must have me confused with some less-charming contortionist,” but he won’t be able to hear me say it because I’ll have already run away to hide in a trashcan or something.

I really think if I don’t make everyone around me immediately uncomfortable by turning frightening colors or forgetting how words work, things will get significantly less weird. If my initial reaction is a hole and everything I do afterwards digs it deeper, at the end of every interaction I’m metaphorically stuck in a well. If there’s no hole to begin with, then theoretically at the end of future interactions, I’ll be standing in more of a deep ditch. I thought I’d share a few ideas I’ve been kicking around post-ephiphany for other adopted Blobfish like me.

We’re a sad bunch.

Baby Steps to Reacting Like A Normal Human Being

– Constantly assume some extremely awkward situation is waiting to spring upon you. Not a semi-embarrassing situation or even a pretty terrible one. The sequence of events waiting to attack you are the most uncomfortable anyone has ever experienced in the history of everything. While this may increase your paranoia, it will also mean you are never surprised by anything. The pessimism of this strategy will actually make you an optimist, because whatever happens, you’ll know it could always be much, much worse.

– Take 10 seconds before reacting to any situation. Obviously this does not apply to life-threatening emergencies– if you’re being eaten by a shark, it’s ok to flail around. This tip will negatively impact your athletic career, but honestly, if you have to read this blog for pointers you were probably bad at sports anyway.

– Maybe never speak or move.

I’m going to keep thinking about it and then awkwardly explain it to you with my mouth full when we’re introduced at a party.

P.S.: While looking up ugly fish, I found this list that will make you never want to go swimming again. You’re welcome!


    • butimbeautiful

      I like your blog, I wish more people would celebrate their failures and just laugh! I generate awkward pauses too – particularly after I’ve just lectured everybody on how stupid alcohol is, for some reason! But, you know, someone has to say dumb stuff.

  1. Marissa

    I just want you to know that the post where you interviewed the most handsome man in the world is my favorite post of yours, and “omigodsohandsome” is now something I say all the time, hopefully under my breath and quietly enough that others don’t hear, but who knows, whenever I do something embarrassingly awkward because I am anywhere near a good looking man. Which, unfortunately, I do all the time.

    • Stephanie

      Ha. I’m so glad you say that, because that means there are two of us. Now if anyone ever says, “Who was that awkward lady who said ‘omigodsohandsome’ like a total weirdo?”, they’ll have a harder time narrowing it down.

  2. Mara

    Your posts never fail to make me laugh. Also, blobfish are incredibly weird, and that list of scary fish…. yeah. I never want to swim in the ocean again.

  3. marcsart

    i must agree that its very awkward when u run into someone who you are friends on facebook but not really in real life. u run into them and its like wow what do i say to this person now? anyway, another very entertaining post. u should do a video vlog where u go places and talk to people and we can critique your social skills

    • gojulesgo

      Had to come back to say congrats on being Freshly Pressed – again!! You deserve it. I hope others find your blog like I did a year ago – you are so hilarious it pretty much convinced me I needed to start a blog!

      • Stephanie

        Thank you! I’m glad you started a blog because I have a lot questions based on hints you drop in the comments. I expect a novel from you any day now.
        Also: he totally lost my number… and I’m 100% ok with that.

  4. lhnathan

    Regarding your reaction in the bookstore…

    Reminds me of the lyrics in “Carry On” by Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young.

    “Girl, when I was on my own
    Chasing you down
    What was it made you run
    Tryin’ your best just to get around
    The question of a thousand dreams
    What you do and what you see
    Lover, can you talk to me?”

    Stephanie, here’s hoping you’ll have more courage on the next chance you get!

  5. New York Birthday

    WOW! I literally started laughing out loud in the library, and although that is not enough to garner even a look here in New York City, the fact that I continued to do so the entire time I read your blog may or may not have caused some people to grab their children and take them elsewhere. You are a fantastic writer, and the imagery of the nightcap flying off your head is hilarious. I enjoyed every single bit of this post, and I look forward to reading more in the future. I will go back to awaiting my next awkward situation now.

    • Stephanie

      Ha. The nightcap image is no where near as funny as imagining parents grabbing their children and relocating because they think you’re crazy. Thanks for reading, and best of luck with your next awkward moment!

  6. ameliasattic

    Haha fabulous! so glad i stumbed across this blog. Your ‘bad reacitons’ sound exactly like something I would do.

    Recent bad reactions include – making a client cry by asking how her ill father was (he was dying)

    Telling my heavily pregnant friend she was ‘very brave’ and that ‘i’d be shitting myself’ if i were her. Other comments include ‘arn’t you worried about going saggy? you know…..down there….. ‘ and ‘god your life is really over now isn’t it?’
    I’m all tact.

    Look forward to reading more!

    • Stephanie

      Haha. I know what you mean. I’m thinking of making some mouth-shaped shoes just so I have an explanation as to why my foot is always in my mouth. Tact is overrated anyway…
      At least, that’s what I keep telling myself.

    • Stephanie

      Yeah, good luck going swimming after that list. The worst one for me is the snakehead fish because THEY CAN LIVE ON LAND. I’ve been checking my sheets for snakehead fish every night.

  7. DoF@theinfill

    Smiling but going hot and cold at same time as reading. Ain’t this the norm? Policing yourself can be useful – but surprise, surprise – the 10 secs is prob best. Taking a breath and generally adding to your rep as a slow coach thinker whilst putting forth a soft, thoughful smile, can really give you space – but there’s no known assist with the waiter/friend’s comment thing, I reckon. Absolutely adore the blobfish

    • Stephanie

      I like the idea of a soft, thoughtful smile. Let’s see if I can pull it off without looking sort of happily slow. I really do need to take those extra seconds, though.

  8. pithyfish

    Well luckily, awkward is the new charm. All you have to do is make a blog and some hipster t-shirts. I don’t know if you’ve tackled the t-shirt part yet but you have at least half the protocol down. Cheers to your blog, it’s a great read.

    • Stephanie

      Ha. I’m going to have to give the hipster t-shirt thing a thought. There’s nothing I want more than ironically mustachioed fellas in fedoras wearing deep V-necks with my designs on them.

  9. irunablog

    I know only too well about everything you’ve just said. I once hid behind a shelf full of games while I made my friend go up to the counter and ask whatever odd question it was I need answering. They both spotted me through the gaps though.

    Great post, I’m not alone!

    • Stephanie

      I HATE it when they see you. In an ideal world, people would just let us hide and ignore us even if they spotted us. I’m always getting called out on my lurking.

  10. theveryhungrybookworm

    Life is awkward…and that’s the way it should be! I would rather be totally awkward and wear my heart on my sleeve rather than hide my feelings all the time. It happens to everyone. It just may happen slightly more frequently to you :)

    This was hilarious by the way. I don’t think everyone else’s life is as put together as you think either!

    • Stephanie

      I certainly hope everyone is flailing around like I am, because that’s the only way I’ll feel better about things. On an unrelated note, you have the best blog name ever!

  11. Restsindo - hty

    Living in this world is full of challenges and trials. The more people in the world he gembleng by waves more solid, firm and resilient to face the world.
    Be like a rock in the ocean that remain upright even in the actions of waves at any time.
    There is a saying the higher the wind blew louder.

  12. booksfan13

    awesome pointers
    u should add: become a hermit and never leave the sancutary of your tiny room again except to order food.

    • Stephanie

      Ha. That’s my go-to strategy. If I’ve had a day that’s just too uncomfortable to even think about, I have to hide for a week just to recover. It’s amazing how many places will let you order food online these days. No social interaction ever!

    • Stephanie

      My friend told me I need to look people dead in the eye and say, “I need a moment of silence.” No one will know if I’m crazy or just extra-reflective, but I bet they’ll respect my seriousness and I’ll have a little bit to recover.

  13. Pelsjas

    hahahahahahahahhhhhahahahahhahaha hahah
    hahahahahahah hahahahhahahah HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAH hahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahhaahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhahahahhahahah hahahahahahahHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  14. broadsideblog

    You, missy, are an official hoot. I see a highly lucrative future for you writing comedy for some $$$$$-paying network TV show. They like awkward.

    That hottie waiter? No loss. I dated a hottie waiter once but, sadly, he turned out to be gay. That was awkward.

    • Stephanie

      Ha. I’d love to be paid for being socially uncomfortable! I’m going to assuage my rejection by hottie waiter by telling myself he’s probably gay and ignoring his very pretty girlfriend. That should do the trick.

  15. sunshineofrae

    I loved this post. It’s nice to hear your awkward moments, as I have many of my own. It’s great to be able to laugh at yourself. Congratulations on being Freshly Pressed!

  16. rmv

    kids in my class use the term “hot mess” but don’t really know what it refers to. they just think it literally means a mess, something messy or poorly done.

    • Stephanie

      I secretly love that phrase because the definition is so, so perfect. “A person, thing, or situation in such a state of disarray or disapproval by peers, often in reference to physical appearance, perceived to be disastrously embarrassing, pitiful, or beyond repair.” That is my whole life in a dictionary entry.

      • rmv

        i was told, no clue by who, whom, person – that “hot mess” refers to a steaming, still-warm, pile of $h1t. makes sense to me, even if it’s wrong!

  17. Lori

    Oh my gosh, I am so glad other people feel and act this way too. Lolz. So funny, my hubs looked over and asked me what was making me giggle so much this AM. Love!

    • Stephanie

      I really need to start wearing pants to bed more often, because it’s resulted in some SUPREMELY awkward moments. I’m glad you liked the third simile. I was a little worried it just looked like lazy writing (because it totally was).

    • Stephanie

      I kind of want to hang out with all the people who commented that they have awkward moments, too, but at the same time I really don’t because I feel like we’ll all just gather in a room with our arms crossed, staring at our feet and trying to think of things to say.

  18. Henry Chamberlain

    you have your own office, that’s good. better than not having one and no means or a worse means of support, am i right? it allows you time to contemplate scary fish and sexy waiters. of course, you ultimately want a virginia woolf room of one’s own, or is it a room with a view? well, both really, what good is a room if it doesn’t have a good view? some people don’t care but i do. i want the room and i want the view.

  19. miizzyy

    This Is A Genius Post, i Could Sit Here All Day Reading Anything By You. Reading The Last Post Gave Me Jitters, “IM NOT THE ONLY ONE! :,D”
    Things Like This Make Me Think “Story Of My Life” x)

    • Stephanie

      If I could get a cave with a comfortable bed and good WiFi, I think I could make the hermit transition pretty easily. But I guess you’re right. Sometimes people need people, awkward or not.

  20. blackshepherd

    try shutting you mouth and hugging…see what happens…no words…just hugs. I tried it out this morning on a Greenpeace canvasseur…he was just standing there minding is own business with words coming out of his mouth that were directed to a person approaching him from in front. BUT…I was approaching from behind already aware that I couldn’t contribute any money and couldn’t explain why without ending up in China so I just put my arms around him and said: “thank you for canvassing for Greenpeace…!!!) (whoops! I guess I did use words…but no explanation…that’s the key!) of course I momentarily forgot how weird it is to be hugged from someone without warning who sneaks up from behind but I offered no apology and just walked back to Starbucks…but he did say” “thanks for your support!” and when I turned back to look, having not turned into stone…apparently…I noticed that his female counterpart was laughing but I didn’t look any further for clues as to what they might be thinking…then I came in here and found this post. I’m not gonna explain why I wrote this…sorry! I love you cause you’re hopelessly weird…ok…so I wrote that down…from now on I”m only thinking and feeling it….inside myself…atleasat until my second cup kicks in…Peace…you’re hilarious!!! Ok…let’s count “hilarious” as the last word even though it wasn’t…ok?

  21. Mikalee Byerman

    One itty bitty reaction to your reaction advice, which reads thusly:

    “Take 10 seconds before reacting to any situation.”

    Sure, you have the caveat that this does not apply to emergencies; but I’d have to say there may be MANY situations in which 10 seconds would be a LIFETIME.

    Take running into an ex. Ten seconds, and you’re hosed — because you look like a total creeper. Even the situation in your office — had you waited 10 seconds, that would have been the longest 10 seconds of yours, Ashley’s or your conflict-prone colleague.

    I think it’s always better to hide behind furniture (shelving, your desk, etc.) than to stand dumbfounded for 10 seconds.

    Just sayin’. ;)

    • S. Trevor Swenson

      10 seconds IS a long time oh wise Mikalee of the Diet Coke Clan… It’s difficult for me to refrain from hitting some people( only very very stupid or rude people and none over 6 ft tall and over 250 lbs) for more than 5 seconds

      • Stephanie

        Haha. Ten seconds is a tremendously long time to just stand there and stare at someone, or to keep from smacking them. I may have to revise it to five seconds. (That still seems a little long.) I’ll just train people by responding to everything, awkward or not, five seconds late.

  22. tshelby985

    Whoa Whoa, I’m good at sports…and I still look at this blog for inspiration. Well, I look at everything for inspiration…because life stinks. Being honest is optimistic for me…so enjoy your day…or don’t if you’re having a bad one…

  23. S. Trevor Swenson

    Nightcap. Interesting you should note people and their lack of pants after certain hours. being a sad middle aged man I still pour myself into levi 501s better suited for 20 somethings. I can’t wait to get home, depant ( is that a word?) and put on my comfy sweatpants with little Cookie Monsters on them. Getting into the tight pants isn;t as difficult as not exhaling for up to 8 hours. In the privacy of my wretched little room i often wear a hat and no pants. It’s quite liberating, plus it gives me an oppurtunity to support my favorite sports teams in a way that i dont have( and probably shouldn’t) to share with others.

    love your writing style. can’t wait to read mroe.

  24. Christina Aiode

    I love this post. And I know precisely how you feel. Especially about the awkward moments with themostbeautifulmanonearth. My favorite example of this comes from my middle school years. I saw a high school play and completely fell in love with the boy who played Hugo Peabody in Bye, Bye Birdie. Then a few weeks later, he was at my combined middle school/high school orchestra concert! He was a few rows ahead of me in the audience, and I brilliantly shouted out, “Hi, Paul!” I instantly turned bright red and sank down in my chair, asking my friend next to me why in the world I did that. Then I noticed someone beside me. I turned. It was him. Glorious, beautiful Paul. His wonderful voice spoke musical words in my ear – “uh, how do you know me?” And my response? “Cause I’m smart.”

    I think I died right then.

    That is certainly not the only example of awkward moments in my life, and by far not the worst. It’s probably my favorite because I was in middle school and can therefore use that as an excuse!

    Keep up the great work with your blog! I will follow you and I look forward to more terrific posts. And congrats on being Freshly Pressed!

    • Stephanie

      Hahaha. “Cause I’m smart.” There’s something so wholesome and sweet about Hugo Peabody, so I completely understand that reaction. Thank you for telling your awkward story. I love it!

  25. susielindau

    You feel my pain!! I have dug many holes in my lifetime. One of the biggest has been my mouth which has been stretched in several situations to accommodate both of my feet!

    Great post. Congratulations on being Freshly Pressed!

    • Stephanie

      Ha. I hate it when you’re just hanging out, trying to have a conversation and suddenly BOTH feet are in your mouth and you’re not even sure how that happened. Thank you!

  26. Kristina Marie

    I was browsing around looking for interesting blogs and well, I stopped after yours. Not sure it could get any more interesting! Consider yourself followed, lady. And yes, I hope that creeps you out. You’re not the only awkward one!! :)

    • Stephanie

      I won’t lie, I looked behind me just to make sure you aren’t ACTUALLY following me. I guess subscribing to my blog is more socially acceptable. Thanks for the follow!

  27. nickstachio

    “Once I react to something in a completely stupid way, I spend the rest of the interaction trying to come back from it, which only makes everything worse.” oh hai me! now following your awkwardness.

    • Stephanie

      Oh hai you! I seriously can’t get over how awesome it is that there are a ton of us just flailing around, trying to be cool and running into doors with our faces instead. Thanks for the follow!

  28. elietouchette

    I like your way of thinking and explaining, I have a friend that seems to think like you and have similar reactions! So i can relate somewhat to you but i have tried for years to help my friend and we both have laughed so many times about her reactions to situations! Great writting!!

  29. DriftingDame

    I completely empathise. My life is full of awkward, but funny, moments. Like today, for instance….I lost my contact lens in my eye…Yes, inside my eye socket!! It got lodged somewhere at the back of my eye. I’m convinced this type of thing only happens to me! I’ve learned that you should never fight with a contact lens. The contact lens ALWAYS wins :-) Contact lenses to me, are what doors are to you!

  30. Dazzle Rebel

    Nice post and congrats on being Freshly Pressed!

    I think the hat thing goes back to the time when people genuinely wore night caps to keep their heads warm before central heating ; )

    It’s like many things that appear in cartoons that no longer happen like the long ‘stage hook’ to grap performers around the neck and drag them off stage!

    • Stephanie

      Ha. I will forever associate the stage hook with the Muppets and it’s funny every time. They should use them at the Oscars instead of bringing the music up to cut people off! I guess the hat thing is logical… but it’s still goofy.

  31. redcactus

    Well, you think it’s strange wearing a nightcap. Then what about Donald Duck going around in a shirt and a hat, but wrapping his underbody in a towel when coming out of the shower?? :)

    • Stephanie

      THAT MAKES NO SENSE AND I NEVER EVEN QUESTIONED IT. Why does Mickey Mouse wear pants, but Donald only has a shirt and a hat, while Goofy is fully clothed? I just want some consistency in my cartoon characters’ fashion choices. Is that too much to ask?

  32. Peter Parkorr

    Please sit down, I have some mixed results for you. I’m afraid you have mild Tourette’s, no cure before you ask. Second, you need to chillaxe and care less about everything. It will work itself out. I would advise against trying to train yourself to always be ready for an extremely embarassing situation, you’re just inviting them. What some people find works is to treat everybody else as tho they have a sub-human IQ -meet everything said with scepticism, nod patronisingly before politely informing the speaker how obtuse they are, and most importantly
    s p e a k i n g v e r y s l o w l y
    can also have a dramatic positive impact on the social interactions of Blobpersons. Try that for a month and if no joy, then we can consider medication. Ok?

  33. LadyT

    Hahaha I can relate! On the bright side awkwardness makes many great stories and laughs… much… much later. Enjoyed this! Congrats on being FP!

    • Stephanie

      Depending on the level of awkwardness during the encounter, it can take me between hours and years to be able to laugh about it. There are moments that still make me cringe a little. Thanks for reading!

  34. Gloria Zhu

    The 10 second reaction time delay never really works for me. I end up sort of staring at the other person awkwardly and not smiling as I’m delaying my heinous reaction, but then I end up not hearing whatever they’re saying to me during this delay. So… hm… yeah. Yeah, I don’t know. Hm.

    • Stephanie

      Ha. That’s a consequence I hadn’t really considered, but it’s true. You get so focused on not being an idiot that you miss some part of the conversation and you still look like a dummy. I have no solution. We’re stuck this way.

  35. Matthew

    Question: Is Awkward City run by homeschoolers? If so, I would like to apply for membership. Not in person, mind you. That would be a dealbreaker.

    • Stephanie

      Oh, we would never make you apply in person. It’s totally run by homeschoolers and all the application materials are online. You don’t even have to get on the phone. We hate the phone in Awkward City.

  36. edrevets

    my theory: it’s only awkward if you feel awkward. De-sensitize yourself to all awkwardness and never be in an awkward situation again.

    This is related to my theory that it’s more than okay to laugh at your own jokes. At least one person is laughing all the time.

  37. sarahnsh

    I can relate to this because I recently had an awkward situation from what I said. I walked into one of our spa rooms and a new esthetician was in there with a very revealing top and exclaimed, very loudly, “Whoa! That is way too much cleavage!”
    Then, I spent the entire day trying to explain my reaction when really it was said and done and the esthetician spent the entire rest of her shift pulling her shirt up.

  38. girl with the pie

    I love this post! I have similar reactions, everyone complains about my lack of social finesse. I’ve even been likened to a crab trying to scuttle away from people when they try to interact with me. So while being socially inelegant is a solo endeavour at least you know other people are flailing about in the same awkward way.

  39. Y u Think

    I walked into a bookstore and almost bumped into a guy I’ve only talked to via Facebook…. I never understood the friendship part of facebook… I know people [ on facebook ] that have 400 or more supposedly friends who they act like they know personally. I have family on facebook and I rarely speak to them…. LOL

  40. millodello

    This post was “multi-epiphanol” for me in many most awkward ways. After each reread a different light went on. My hat is off to you and where I live it is always before seven. Excellent work.

  41. suziebanshee

    It’s almost as if you’ve described my existence to a tee. I am constantly thinking, “Normal people cease being this awkward around 9th grade. You are 27. F**king get a hold of yourself and grow up!” Sometimes reminding myself that on my death bed, my life of having _____ think I was a total weirdo will seem a lot shorter in retrospect and I will really regret not giving so much of a **** and just living my life the way it should be–pursuing my dreams and making meaningful and real connections with people along the way (obsessing of how awkward one seems to other people just usurps far too much time and energy from those two things). That usually helps. But there is still a 39% percent chance that much of my brainwave activity tonight while I’m trying to fall asleep will be consumed by the idea that this comment to a complete stranger was exceedingly long.

  42. glassandtheghostmonkey

    If our lives collide from this little reply, we should be friends. I just accept the crazy looks and take it as cuteness. Zooey Deschanel’s entire career is based on this but she’s shite because she’s too normal. Noel Fielding is a better example. He’s a charmer like us. Don’t forget we’re charming, disarming stars. Yeah!

  43. c2c8

    Very funny. =B You remind of Zooey Deschanel’s character in ‘Whos that girl’ especially on the episode where she tried to rob a television…=)

  44. irishsignora

    I loved this! When I was teaching, several people told me that the reason I was good at special ed was that I was very much like my students (I taught kids with emotional disturbances), because my reactions to ordinary things were just a touch off. At least I’m not the only one :)

  45. rootietoot

    It’s ok. I am awkward, too. I married a man who is as socially peculiar as I am and we have 4 weird children. And most of us don’t wear pants after 7 and 3 of us wear hats to bed (due to hair loss and a cold house).

  46. happyfoodbaby

    Great writing! So witty. Rest assured, it’s quirky people like you who have books, movies and tv series written about them. Think Bridget Jones – hopeless! Zooey Deschanel’s character Jess in New Girl (LOVE!) – total kook. But how lovable they are. Keep being yourself. Having a killer sense of humour (as you clearly do) always helps!

  47. Clip Snark

    This is hilarious! Sometimes silence is just as awkward as inappropriate responses. I can be really awkward and clumsy but I try to play it off as oh look how cute and quirky and geeky I am. The only one that has bought this act is my husband. That’s how you know when you’ve found “the one”. :-)

  48. kimbervale

    Wonderful post! I feel for you and understand why you try to keep to electronic interaction only. That was ballsy putting your number on the back of the receipt, though, so there’s hope for you yet!

    I’ve stumbled upon those ugly fish pictures before…Horrifying. Thanks for reminding me.

  49. Juliet Obodo

    oh boy this entry caused me to have an awkward moment of my own–laughing out loud at Starbucks next to a super suave hipster guy while pretending to being a super suave hipster gal. Hipster gals don’t laugh out loud and I’m pretty sure that they don’t refer to themselves as hipster gals. This has now turned into an awkward post reply…

  50. Steve

    Blobfish are weird creatures, aren’t they? That’s all I really have to say – besides that I enjoyed your post.

  51. corlosky

    I definitely know what it’s like to be awkward. My family calls me out on it all the time. But there is hope, my friend! I’ve finally become somewhat suave and socially adept. Unless it comes to my boyfriend… And a few of the guys at work… And dealing with other girls… Okay, so I’m not that far ahead of you on the road to refinedness. Regardless, I enjoyed your post. Definitely made me laugh.

    Congrats on being Freshly Pressed!

  52. figmentsandimagination

    I love this blog, and relate to you totally! People don’t laugh with me, they laugh at me…. I don’t get a joke for ages, so by the time I’m laughing my head off, everyone else is talking about something else! Sadly….my nickname is fruitloop! Get the picture????

  53. Riccardo Baldinotti

    Even if I am not English speaking, I laughed too. You are intelligent, this is clear. Such persons see things more deeply than others. One little (and serious) joint to the strategies: think you don’t HAVE to do the right thing as it does not exist. You only can choose between what you are and what you are not. Intelligent people will always prefer the first, and who needs the others?

  54. thekellygeorge

    Is it just me or does that Blobfish look JUST like Creature the House Elf from the Harry Potter movies??

    Or is it Voldemort before he reaches full potency? (That’s actually a quote by Saruman from Lord of the Rings but I’ve always wanted to use it….).

  55. m. fickleness

    “This happens with people (read: everyone), animals (read: cats), and even inanimate objects (read: mostly doors and ATM machines)”

    Totally. And especially the one about cats.

  56. mybakingempire

    Haha, great post! I will tell you, blushing is the bane of my existence. I know this deep purple shade of which you speak. I can be otherwise playing it totally cool in a situation, and my face starts flushing and it’s all over. You know how it is, you can FEEL yourself turning red. Bleh. Really funny post though :)

  57. missaralee

    I think I love you. Platonically of course. I thought I was the only weirdo who tries to hide behind and under stuff to avoid making eye contact or speaking to acquaintances. Digging holes is my specialty; I am in fact the digging-est.

  58. autumnlists

    Ack. This made me feel so awkward. All the awkwardness of the past just rose up again, in a sort of blinding mist, before my eyes.

    My problem is that not only do I react to my own awkwardness–but OTHER PEOPLE’S. If someone else is talking or acting awkwardly, I get flustered and start feeling sweaty and then say something awkward myself, and then we just both wish we were dead :/

  59. Samantha Looks So Fine

    I think you described my life, too! I label myself as pretty socially awkward. For instance, I find that I’m often at a loss for words, almost to the point where people try to finish my sentences or they just try to rush me along by saying “uh-huh, uh-huh” (I’m glad that you’re able to at least attempt to make witty comments!). And, I’ve also done the “duck and hide” when I’ve spotted someone I recognize but am too self-conscious to strike up a conversation. Don’t worry–there is hope for people like us! :)

  60. timkeen40

    I like the one where you left the number on the back of the receipt. I did that just once in between marriages and it really worked out. (Tongue in cheek) Not only did she never call back, I later found out that she was the wife of one of my supervisors at work.

    Anyway, it worked out. If he ever knew, he never said and later on, I married the woman that has been my wife for twenty years now.

    Great blog.


  61. madhaus7

    This is truly fantastic. I cracked up when reading about your “NOOO” comment to a co-worker you disliked. Awkward is the new cool so you sound to be way ahead of the curve. Loved the post and look forward to more!

  62. Neo Charles

    Hello, I am Brazilian and I very liked its blog! I would say that it is witty and pretty!

    I identified myself very with the fish. On the city, looking at the painting, I feel myself as if it was living with Ebenezer Scrooge!

  63. msperfectpatty

    I’m so glad I found this blog! Well really I’m glad it was freshly pressed because I probably never would have found it. It’s nice to know that I’m not alone in awkwardness. Oh, and I will be following =)

  64. Karmen

    Haha! Love this! Your description of your meeting the handsome waiter, “purple and forehead veiny” makes me laugh out loud — we’ve ALL been there (except those made of perfect plastic. Keep writing :)

  65. lilybunny5

    I greatly enjoy your posts, but I feel a tad guilty laughing at your expense. But through your writing I feel that you are a good sport. Again, fantastic posts do keep it up :)

  66. K How

    Oh my gosh, that’s amazing. I laughed so hard. I also looked at the fish list. Terrifying. I’ll be having nightmares about the angler fish.

  67. nannajunior

    Reblogged this on Nanna Junior and commented:
    Also stumbled across this post. I can definitely relate to some of these situations. It takes hard work to change some of these patterns and I think I’ve made progress…though to be honest I think at times I would very much like to hide in a bookshelf. Oh wait, over the weekend I hid in our wardrobe. It’s a walk in wardrobe, but a wardrobe nonetheless. Hmmm perhaps I should blog about the situation I found myself in. Wow went off on a tangent there. The point is this post is awesome and you should check it out.

  68. Pingback: Social Awkwardness Saves The Day…Sort Of « Nanna Junior
  69. 1stjoeyanna

    I LOVE the way your mind works! It’s a good thing I didn’t know about this blog page when my ribs were broken! Seriously, you could be a writer for something like SNL!

  70. rixlibris

    I only just signed onto WordPress and this is the first post I have read. I believe Yoda would say ‘you have chosen wisely’. Very funny and, sadly for many of us, too true.

  71. TheBlogger777

    Hi! I found this blog in Freshly Pressed (congrats!) and I think it’s hilarious. I just started my blog and wrote about a horrible experience of mine. It’s If you wanted to check it out (trust me, it would’ve been a good example of terribly awkward moments had you been there), and maybe, possibly comment, I might die. But only a little.
    P.S.- Love the fish. And the picture of the pantsless nightcap dude.

  72. Anna

    “but honestly, if you have to read this blog for pointers you were probably bad at sports anyway.” FUNNY!!! :D I really enjoyed your post. Who knows? Maybe your awkwardness is part of your charm ;) And yes, that cute waiter probably just lost the receipt and he is now pining for you, unable to move on. And friendly tip: When trying to hide behind a bookshelf, please choose one which actually houses good books. At least you can redeem yourself later by saying, “That was a good bookshelf I ran to for cover!” :D

  73. Arden

    “Take 10 seconds before reacting to any situation.” I like that. A little space always prepares you for action. I take a little longer to gather my thoughts and work out a response. But this I know, when it gets to 10 hours then I’m just being a coward pretending to be wise. Thanks for a great post

  74. lifeisanessay

    …In a city as diverse & popular for being a gay meca, San Francisco can have quite the lesbian web, where most are familar faces. I had been “facebook stalking” this cute cute girl , but only actually writing to her once. She never responded but still accepted my friend request. On my way to work one morning I was stopped at the corner waiting for my “walk” light, & I saw her on the other side. Talk about awkward. We made eye contact, but had to remain there unable to just pass each other & get it over with, Da.

  75. choconutmeg

    I like the name of your blog. Also, although I broadly agree about the night-cap thing, I thought I should mention that a friend of mine did wear a night cap once- to a pajama party. He also had a teddy on his shoulder, so eeerm, on second thoughts my second comment is completely irrelevant and useless. Sorry. Oh and the third item on your list of similes was clever :)

  76. Jessie Lea Pingle

    Post caused me to start giggling uncontrollably and I share an office with 3 guys. Now it is confirmed all girls are giggling morons. Great post!! :-)

  77. Donnell Jeansonne

    I can relate 673% with this post! My life is also full of awkward weirdness. Thank you. I feel less alone in the universe now.

  78. moanti (moe·on·tee)

    Your awkward interactions are highly entertaining… :) I am sure they were quite embarrassing at the time (and maybe even more now that you were freshly pressed and half the wordpress world knows about them), but I thank you for sharing and I really want to read more!

  79. ptagirlunscripted

    I can so relate to this post! Especially the hiding behind a bookshelf part…We are all a little weird, a little out of step with the rest of the “normal” folk, but I would rather be like than than average.

    Keep up the writing! You are really talented!

  80. realityisalovelyplace

    i really liked this thingy u wrote dude.. although peoples comments are extremely annoying… im pretty annoying too though…. well anyways, go see this thingy, realityisalovelyplace

  81. Pingback: Awkward City | astewden
  82. Pingback: You’re So Vein | Listful Thinking
  83. Pingback: Knocking on Heaven’s Door | Listful Thinking

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