Stupid Things to Say to Absurdly Beautiful People You Are Trying to Interview, Or, A Series of Real Quotes Illustrating Why the Handsomest Man I’ve Ever Met Will Never Speak to Me Again
I’m writing an article which necessitated contacting and interviewing someone named Adam. All I knew about him was that he was significant to the story and he sounded all kinds of attractive over the phone. (Yes, people can sound attractive on the phone. I watched a documentary about it last night.) I was calling him Adam Expert McInterview in my head.
My freshman year of college, I had this ridiculously huge, kind of stalk-y crush on a guy I’d see in the cafeteria every so often. I’d stare at him eating his food and talking to his friends and think things like, “Why can’t I eat food that well?” (I found a potato chip crumb in my bra right before I wrote this, by the way.) Besides the way he ate pizza, all I knew about the guy I was totally in love with was one thing: his name was Adam. I called him Adam Stalky McStalkerson. You can probably see where this is going. Sadly, I didn’t put it together until about 15 minutes before the interview when I became terribly, disgustingly sure that Adam Expert McInterview and Adam Stalky McStalkerson were the same person.
A smart person would have sat down and thought of some suave ways to handle the situation, or at least made sure their breath smelled OK or something. I am not a smart person. I ran out the door to the interview, realized I’d forgotten something, ran back in to grab my notebook, and then hopped down the stairs.
I bumped into my friend Sarah and her super nice boyfriend who had never met me before and said, “Hey! I’m going to interview the most handsome man on campus!!!!!!” There really were that many exclamation points.
Sarah congratulated me on being smart enough to put on pants, which is actually a pretty big deal for me, but that’s a story for another time, and her boyfriend nodded nicely and didn’t question my propensity for pantslessness. I skipped away to the building where the interview was supposed to take place and walked up to someone who was facing the other direction. I knew it was Adam Stalky McStalkerson because their hair was the same general shape. In my defense, my eyes were adjusting to the dim building light and the hair was very similar.
“Adam?” I said, in my sexiest voice. Then the person turned around and it was not Adam, but an old lady. That was a weird thing to extract myself from.
I excused myself awkwardly, went to sit on a bench, and began to freak out because even though I’d remembered my notebook, pen, and phone to record the conversation, I didn’t have any of my questions. I’d spent three whole minutes on coming up with those deep, significant questions, and I’d forgotten them. I started writing things like, “Who? What? When? Where? Why? Wherefore? Are you seeing anyone?” in my notebook.
I was scratching that last one out when someone with a handsome voice said, “Are you the person I’m looking for?”
Because I also watched a romantic comedy last night and somehow decided life should be like a Meg Ryan movie, I looked up and said, “Yes!” in a very breathy, very creepy way. Then I realized life is not a movie about Hugh Grant and I seriously needed to get my act together, so I stood up, shook his hand and said, “Are you Adam?” in a not sexy, scratchy way. (As if I needed confirmation that it was him. I only watched the guy eat for a year.)
Things were pretty much downhill from there. Because it was an interview and I recorded it, I happen to have a perfect transcript of exactly how downhill it went. The following is a series of things that I actually said during the worst interview of my sweet, short life. It’s physically difficult for me to hear it, partially because I can’t even describe his perfect, perfect voice to you, but mostly because the things I said are so ridiculous that I want to die a little.
1) “No, no. I love it when people stutter. People are all like, ‘uh-budee, uh-budee, uh-budee, that’s all folks”, and I’m like, ‘Yeah, stutter more!’ That’s how sexy I think stuttering is.”
2) “You look like Robert Downey, Jr. But not old. Like way less old. Like twenty…two-ish? Are you twenty-two-ish? Because you look so… tall. You’re like a tall… Robert Downey, Jr…. young person.”
“Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah. Law suits! Don’t be– oh. Oh, you weren’t joking. Oh, I’m sorry. Surely that won’t hold up in court. I can usually tell when people are joking. I must be sick today or something. My joke-ometer is off.” (Yes, that is something I actually said. “My joke-ometer is off”. That sounds like a game on The Price Is Right, not a thing that normal people have. On top of that, I laughed like the Sesame Street Count at the beginning. It was even kind of Transylvanian.)
4) “I had a good question… I swear I did. Question, question, question. OH! What is your last name?”
5) “You do have big fingers. But not in a fat way. It’s these phones. I hate them. I still haven’t figured out texting and I’ve had mine for months. It’s the worst. I just expect the phone to know what I’m saying now. And then when I type on the computer and it doesn’t fix my spelling, I get confused. Heh.” (I don’t know what I was doing here. It’s a 30 second-long tangent I got really into while he was trying to text someone to get information. I can’t text and talk at the same time, so I don’t know why I thought he could. I also don’t know why I thought I needed to tell him I can’t text. What kind of person under the age of 60/not plagued by arthritis can’t text? Why did I bring up poor spelling? True story: I’m a spelling bee champ. If I have one thing going for me, it’s that I can spell. Why would I give that up? At this point, I could clearly see on his face that he thought I was ridiculous, long-winded, and bad at spelling.)
6) “The kind of people that like to be creepy? I don’t think that’s the kind of clientele you want to bring in. Creepy people! Ah-ha-ha-ha!” (Then this weird whistling noise happens on the recording. I later discovered my nose was making that noise.)
7) I just counted how many times I giggled during this interview because the Sesame Street thing is going to my head. Nineteen. Nineteen inane giggles, ah-ah-ah!
8) “Alright. I think I have enough to give you an article… so that should be in the paper.” (It was an obvious comment, but at this point I had run out of questions and I just wanted to look at him, so I was filibustering the interview.)
9) “Oh no, those fliers aren’t mine. What do they say? ‘Dead Sexy’? Nope. No, they are definitely and clearly not mine, but could you repeat that closer to my phone? I just want to make sure the microphone is working…”
10) At this point, I walked away. As soon as the door clicks shut behind me in the recording, you can clearly hear me whisper, “Ohmigod. So handsome.”
I am never going to see him again.
Question question question…haha. I’m going to use this the next time I have to interview someone…just to put them at ease.
This list made me laugh about about as crazily as the Sesame Street count.
I laughed so hard that I scared the cat. Awesome.
I’m both flattered and full of guilt over your cat. Maybe I need to give my blog a subtitle. “Listful Thinking: Cats Hate It.”
I just want you to know that I needed a good laugh today cause it’s a more-than-usually-crappy day at work today and I thought, “where’s that thing that Stephanie wrote that ends with omigodsohandsome?” It was just as funny the second time around. (My cat wasn’t around this time, luckily for her sake.)
But not in a creepy stalkerish way really, and I really can’t spell well I used to be able to but now it seems like it went all out the window and I’m still talking, huh.
(I think I’ve done that interview, only with famous person that no one outside a very teeny audience had ever heard of.)
I get nervous when I have to interview the Orkin Man, so I can’t imagine interviewing a famous person, even if their only niche-famous. I would be basically useless. So no more famous or good-looking people for me. Nope, not any more.
This is AWESOME. You’re hilarious. I’m also extremely comforted by the fact that other socially retarded/awkward people exist. Though you are a much funnier version of me; I mainly just talk about kittens a lot and run into things.
is it that common that you don’t wear pants?
if so, is the house next to you for sale?
#4 Literally made me laugh out loud!
Like a horrifying car crash…so much pain…so much blood, but I can’t look away! And hey, maybe he thought your awkwardness was cute. It happens in movies so much that it has to happen in life sometimes…right?
Wow this is hilarious. I don’t usually laugh out loud at things that are funny (I just think, “heh that’s funny”) but this post made me lol multiple times. Hilarious. I’m a self-declared awkward person and I used to be a reporter for my newspaper in college so I could relate to this too well. Fortunately I’ve never had an interview go that badly… haha it’s unfortunate but it makes for a great blog post! Stay awkward, my friend.
I’m literally having trouble not laughing right now. That was fantastic, though I am so very sorry, though I think I’m allowed to laugh as I would do the exact same thing. Yep. haha It was wonderful and I thoroughly enjoy your lists.
…end of weird, gushy, i-love-your-blog comment…lol
If I wasn’t such a hopeless inept weirdo who spends most of his time rationalizing stalkerish behavior I’d say this is so “sad”…but I’m far weirder and pathetically hopeless in any social situation…I’ve tried singing at the top of my lungs but eventually you know you’ll be asked to explain even that…I’ve tried hugging people without comment but found out that’s illegal kind of and feel lucky to have not been arrested….
OMG I am trying so haaaaarrd to stop giggling when I’m trying to talk to someone upon whom it is imperative that I not look/act/sound like a complete idiot. Thank you for making me not feel so alone…
Like someone else said, I think I need to appropriate “OHMIGOD. SO HANDSOME” as a general thing to say when I need to remind myself that all is really, reallly not lost (especially when it is.)
Also, I think I love you kind of a lot. This made my evening. Thankyouverymuch.
This is awesome. I love that you didn’t hold back on this at all, and just wrote it all straight-up.
Also, I’m so glad I’ve never had to listen to recordings of my conversations with attractive people; I would be cringing every three seconds. (And I definitely have the Sesame Street giggle too.)
I laughed, I giggled, I related to every word. Great post.
This just made me laugh inappropriately loud FOUR TIMES in my completely silent office ( don’t know why I kept reading after “what is your last name?”). It’s okay though, I covered it up with a hacking cough that I think was pretty convincing. So obviously I’m following you now. Keep up the hilarious awkwardness… or awkward hilariousness? Whichever sounds cooler.
I just cried, partly because it was the funniest thing I’ve read in a while, but also because you definitely just wrote about my life on your blog.
You are extremely funny an I can definitely relate! I love this.
“You do have big fingers. But not in a fat way.”
I think it is the writerly propensity to be mad-observant that gets us into trouble. Seriously why slide through life like an over-greased wheelbarrow on a frozen lake of olive oil? Well, except for the obvious difficulties…
eh, I dunno. I appreciate the intentionality given to exclamation points!
This is the most amazing thing I’ve read for a long time!!!! I’m pretty sure we all have these moments. So. Good. Thanks so much for sharing.
Hahaha. Seriously. Squealy nose noises raise the awkwardness to a whole new level. I am sorry you had to go through this, but thanks again for sharing. :)
OMG This is hilarious!!!!! (Yes, that many exclamation points.) The kind where you actually laugh out loud when you’re alone as opposed to just typing LOL and moving on. Excuse my while I pick up my ass from under the table.
You write tight; I like that. I’m not always tight when I write; but it helps!
I’m at https://butlersfolly.wordpress.com/ if you can be asked?
I had to go the the bathroom after #3 because I was damn close to peeing myself. That post was CRAZY funny! Whew… I’ve got to leave you site for a bit and catch my breath!