A Bushel and a Peck and a Hug Around the Neck
Things We Need To Stop Doing
- Believing that celery is a food and not just a gross, non-toxic weed
- Pretending Pinterest makes any sense at all
- Wearing those jeans with the crazy rhinestone pockets on the butt
- Making Minion-themed memes (They don’t make sense! Why are the Minions there? Why do they suddenly have all these opinions about marriage and final exams?)
- Claiming cake is better than pie
You can read more thoughts on the horror that is hugging here. I’ll be on Amazon, ordering a large plastic bubble to live in.
Where Everybody Knows Your Name
You’re not going to believe this, but I used to be socially awkward. It’s true. I used to be so self-conscious of everything I did that I could barely function in polite society. Parties were hell. Small talk was the stuff of nightmares. Forget networking — I couldn’t say my name without choking on my own spit.
Oh, hang on. Did I say I used to be awkward? Oh, this is so embarrassing. What a terrible typo. What I meant was that I am currently, at this very moment, flailing around feeling weird about everything. It’s how I am and I’m never going to change. My obituary will read, “Stephanie died as she lived. In extreme discomfort, not knowing what to do with her hands.”
She’s Such a Charmer
A few years ago I had to take a personality test for work. StrengthsFinder‘s shtick is that it focuses on areas identified by the test-makers in which you excel and not areas in which you could improve. My top five strengths (including “Analytical”, described with a sentence that begins, “You do not necessarily want to destroy other people’s ideas…”) were left-brained, logical and cold. They basically indicated that I’m Mr. Spock.
Some versions of StrengthsFinder will also tell you the characteristics in which you are less strong. Normally, I would call those “weaknesses”, but the test’s feel-good doublespeak doesn’t allow it. The area in which I am
weakest most not-strong is WOO. WOO stands for Winning Others Over and not the act of wooing someone, even though one could argue that to woo is to Win anOther Over. (There I go, being all analytical and destroying other people’s ideas.) WOOers attend parties full of strangers and chat up a storm. They make friends in an elevator. Captain Kirk is an uppercase WOOer.
Caviar and Cigarettes, Well-Versed in Etiquette
I bought an etiquette book last weekend because I’m kind of punk rock.
T.S. Eliot once said, “It’s not wise to violate the rules until you know how to observe them.”
You know how cartoons in commercials have late-night epiphanies where they sit up straight in bed and their nightcap flies off their head in excitement? I had one of those last night, and I’m still looking for my hat. (Unrelated: It’s totally weird cartoon characters wear hats to bed, even though most of the people I know don’t even wear pants after 7.)