Tagged: Valentine’s Day

Candy is Dandy but Liquor is Quicker

Three Things (and a video)

  1. I hope you had a happy Valentine’s Day
  2. I hope no one gave you conversation hearts
  3. Because I would never wish that on you

With Every Heartbeat, I Want You Madly

Around the internet, Listful Thinking is well-known for doling out the sagest relationship advice, like the time I suggested skipping the flowers and giving your lover a potato, or the time I told you how to convince someone with cool hair to make out with you and rhymed purple with slurple. A lot of people come to me for advice on their love lives. So many people. I’m shaking the people off with a stick, that’s how many there are.

The only reason they are not pictured here is that they all happen to be camera shy.

The only reason they are not pictured here is that they all happen to be camera shy.

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I Could Never Be Your Woman

My attitude towards food has been described as odd. I’m hypoglycemic, which means I eat often or people die, but I rarely rejected a food opportunity even before I started Hulking Out. I think I’m addicted. If I didn’t eat, it would probably kill me.

My enthusiasm for all things edible does not make me a “foodie”. If anything, it’s taken me in the opposite direction. I appreciate a gourmet meal as much as the next guy, but I’ve experienced the same deep satisfaction eating a chili dog from my hometown’s hotdog restaurant.


When I say “hotdog restaurant”, I mean it was literally a hotdog.

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Eaten By the Monster of Love

There’s nothing worse than pink and purple heart decorations and things covered with glitter. Paying obscene amounts of money for fancy underwear and overpriced restaurants is stupid. I hate flowers and I think conversation hearts are gross, but I’m going to come right out and say it:

I like Valentine’s Day.

I really do. Every other day of the year it’s uncool to tell the people you appreciate, even platonically, how much you like them. Try telling someone you think they’re awesome on Arbor Day– it won’t go over well. Confess your undying love on Rosh Hashanah and you’ll see what I mean. People are weird and standoffish every other day of the year, but on Valentine’s Day it’s totally cool to walk up to your friends and family members and say, “Hey, here’s some candy that tastes like chalk! Please don’t take the flavor personally, because it means I like you. Isn’t that cool?!”

“Thnx 4 Eating Gross Candy to Prove Ur Luv” is too big to fit on a candy heart.

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My 50 Potatoes are Better than Your 12 Karats

Heart potato

A particularly romantic potato


I may be a genius.

Sometimes I have these brilliant ideas that answer significant problems, only to discover the thing I invented already exists. I wrote a story about mall cops and then two (awful) movies about mall cops came out. I invented a tray that you could strap to yourself so you could walk up and down stairs carrying things and still have free hands, but then I remembered vendors use those trays at every sporting event ever. I also thought of a vending machine that grabs your drink for you so it doesn’t fizz when it falls down. That’s already a thing too, so… I may be an idiot.

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