You know the opening credits to the original “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory,” where the machines are squirting out chocolate, and stirring chocolate, and smoothing chocolate? You know the ones I mean. They’re the most soothing opening credits in the history of movies.

Well now I live in them. By “live,” I mean “work,” and by “in them,” I mean “in a similarly soothing candy factory, but one in which no one wears purple velvet suits or performs a dance routine when children have potentially fatal mishaps.”

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