Tagged: klutz

The Water Closet (No, Not That Kind)

Things You’ll Need to Picture So This Story Makes Sense

1) A quiet grocery store in rural Colorado. (I drew a map of the inside of it for you in Paint, which is surprisingly tricky. Nonetheless, if you ever found yourself in this grocery store, this extremely accurate map would help you find at least four things.) Imagine a peaceful setting: seven or eight customers are in line in the Starbucks located in the store, the evening manager chats with the customer service representative at the front desk. Around you are calm grocery store sounds: the periodic beeping of items getting scanned, customers cursing the checkers, and food slowly going bad.

So I’m no cartographer. You’ll have to double-click to make it big enough to read.

Continue reading

Why I’m Not Allowed in Certain Vietnamese Restaurants

This is probably the most convoluted thing I’ve ever had to explain with lists before.

Category F5 tornado (upgraded from initial est...

An F5 tornado– no match for Derek’s teeth.

When I told one of my coworkers in high school that I was sitting next to some mysterious kid named Derek in physics, he leaned over and whispered, “You know Derek’s a quadruple black belt in Taekwondo, right? I’ve heard he plucked a kid’s eyeball right out of its socket.” This was terrible news, as I am no good at physics and have surprisingly large eyeballs. Worried that I would frustrate him to the point of violence, I began asking all of my fellow high school-aged co-workers what they knew about my new physics partner.

Continue reading