Doctor, Doctor, Give Me the News
I haven’t been an adult for very long so I don’t have a ton of experience on the matter, but I do have a theory about adulthood.
It doesn’t exist.
No, there’s no such thing as an adult. When you were a kid, everyone you thought of as a grownup was actually just a slightly taller person flailing around and making stuff up as they went, hoping no one would notice. This theory terrifies and comforts me at exactly the same time.
Now I’m one of those people, so to help me make stuff up, I’ve been referring to an Ideal Adult who exists only inside my head. She makes good, grownup choices so I try to follow her lead. What would the Ideal Adult in your head do? is something I ask myself a lot.
Have a Drink on Me
I don’t know what’s going on with me lately, but I cannot stop thinking about death.
Hello! Welcome to this week’s Listful Thinking!
Shut Your Mouth
I was running through my mental To-Do list earlier today (clean fridge, buy milk, dust turtle, etc.) when I started wondering about To-Don’t lists. I think everyone has a To-Don’t list, whether they’re aware of it or not. Mine varies from day-to-day, but it always has a few old standbys.
1. Don’t Die
2. Don’t Panic
3. Don’t Talk about Fight Club
3. Don’t Stop Believin’
4. Don’t Cry for Me, Argentina
5. Don’t Be Stupid
Lately I haven’t been following my To-Don’t list very well at all. I recently realized that my blatant disregard for Point #5 (Don’t Be Stupid) was making me pretty anxious, which goes directly against Point #2 (Don’t Panic). I was doing so much panicking, in fact, that I had almost convinced myself I was on the verge of neglecting Point #1, the cardinal don’t: Don’t Die.
We Have the Technology
Areas in Which I Excel
– Watching TV
– Buying Socks
– Eating Mashed Potatoes
Sarah, Sarah, Storms are Brewin’ in Your… Eye
So you’re stuck at home for an entire week with a patch over one eye. You can’t read very well. You can’t watch movies very well. You can’t even blink as well as you’d like. (In fact, I’m not even sure you’ll be able to read this list. Press control and then the plus sign a bunch of times… There now, isn’t that better?)
As promised, a list of things you can do with one eye:
1. Learn to blink Morse code with one eyelid. I guess that’s winking Morse code.
2. Only look at half of things. Believe me, the right half of anything is always the lame half. I never look at the right side of anything.
3. Design the easiest obstacle course ever because your screwed-up depth perception is going make it a billion times harder. In fact, don’t even design an obstacle course. Just laugh every time you run into a wall and everyone around you tries to awkwardly help.
4. I take that back. Run into walls for fun and blame your eye and watch everyone panic. Run into walls on your good side, even. This is really funny in my head. Please don’t injure yourself.