I’m not good with feelings. I don’t like my own emotional reactions because I haven’t figured out how to control them very well. I really don’t like other people’s emotional reactions because they leave me flapping my hands in distress and making faces that apparently are not comforting.
I am a bad friend.
Sure, I have my moments. If you’re my friend and someone is mean to you, I will 100% make up cruel and crazy rumors about them without you even asking me to. If you’re feeling sad, I will stare at you uncomfortably and then suggest that we work through our feelings by eating them. If you’ve just had a baby, I will only compare it to my kitten a few hundred times instead of a few thousand, which is what I would do if you were just an acquaintance.
People are always telling me how brave I am.
“Wow, Stephanie,” they say after I tell them about how I don’t believe in ghosts, or about the time there was an intruder in my home, or about the recurring nightmares I have about turning into a tree. “You’re sooo brave.” Sometimes they use a weird sarcastic tone, but I can tell they’re very impressed. I’m going to let you in on a little secret, though.
I’m not brave.
I am scared of every. single. thing.
I’m feeling bad right now because I haven’t posted anything here in weeks. MONTHS, MAYBE.
I know it doesn’t really matter. Nothing was riding on this. No one was staging a hunger strike to get me to write, or holding people hostage, or sending me threatening notes. It’s not a big deal, or even a little deal. In fact, the word deal should not be brought into it at all. Nevertheless, it’s hard to look my blog in the i’s, especially since it turned five in September and I wasn’t even there for it.
A few years ago, I updated my Facebook relationship status from “single” to “in a relationship.” Instantly, the ads on the side of my news feed stopped trying to sell me cat-themed clothing and started showing me engagement rings and meth PSAs.
“Whoa, whoa, Facebook. Slow down,” I said. “I’m not old enough to even think about trying meth.”
I was getting engagement ring ads because I am a female in my 20s who was in a relationship and that’s what other females in their 20s in relationships are doing. It’s true — I know a lot of people who are getting engaged. I don’t know any people who are doing meth.