It’s me, Stephanie. I know, it’s been a while. I have a slightly different haircut now. I’m a little taller. I grew this impressive mustache. But behind this virile handlebar is the same old Stephanie, back at Listful Thinking and ready to blog.
That’s what we do here, right? Blogging? Haha, just kidding. I know that’s what we do here. I know blogging is a real thing and not a made-up, fake word that sounds like a euphemism for vomit.
I know all about blogging, from the part at the beginning where you have to perform a wedding ceremony for two leeches under a full moon, to the part at the end where you apply a coat of clear polish and then flap your hands around waiting for them to dry. Blogging! It’s just like riding a bike — you need two wheels and a tiny bell to really do it right.
OK, fine. I admit it. I forgot how to blog. It’s been too long since I’ve done it without relying on a YouTube video as a crutch. So I thought I’d get back in the game by writing a how-to guide that will hopefully guide me, too. I think it’s working so far. These words are coming together in something resembling a paragraph, artichoke hippo gazebo?
How to Write a Blog
- Every blog needs a theme so that it’s not just you whining about your dumb life, pretending that lists are a theme and not a dumb gimmick. I always thought I’d be a good fashion blogger, for example.
- Now your blog needs a title, and preferably it should be a pun that vaguely relates to the theme. For example, if your blog is about yachts owned by members of parliament, you could call your blog “Boat of No Confidence.” I see that one blowing up.
- Brainstorm an idea for your first post. I like to list every single thing that’s bothering me at that moment and then see if I can complain about any of them for 800 words.
- Once you have an idea, it’s time to write a click-bait headline. With that in mind, I’d like to retitle this list.
This Blogger Has Thousands of Subscribers, Many of Whom Are Likely Robots. What’s Her Secret?
Doctors Hate This Blogger! (Because She’s Bad About Getting Regular Physicals, and Doctors Are Like, “Hey, Preventative Care Is Super Important!” and She’s Like, “Yeah, I Understand That but I Feel Nervous Around Tongue Depressors.”)
Hot Singles in Your Area Want to Know How to Blog. They’re More Than Pretty Faces and Great Bods, You Know.
- Gather your supplies. You’ll need a working computer, something to drink, and knowledge that somewhere in your home there is candy that you shouldn’t eat because you’re not really even hungry, just bored. I also never sit down to write without a cat ready to instantly fall asleep on my keyboard the moment I hit a good flow.
- Start writing! Start with a strong hook, maybe about your mustache. Stick with short paragraphs since internet people don’t have the attention span for long ones. Don’t use lists. Those are my thing. I also call dibs on sentences.
- Four paragraphs in, succumb to the cloud of despair that’s been rapidly closing in on you. Nothing is coming out right. You’re a joke and you should give up. Go order a pizza large enough to fill the hole in your heart where a successful blog should be.
- Get extra cheese. This is a really sad pizza.
- Have an idea while thinking about all that cheese. This blog post just might turn out yet! Cancel that sadness pizza and sit back down!
- Get back up and go find the candy you can’t stop thinking about. Put it in your mouth. Can you focus now, you child?
- Type! Type harder! I know you’re tired! I know that candy tasted weird! I know the cat keeps head-butting you for no reason at all! TYPE, DAMMIT.
- OK, stop typing. That’s enough typing. That’s way too much typing, actually.
- Go back and edit your work. If you’re like me, you used the word “just” 3,000 times in your post and spelled “illiterate” incorrectly without a trace of irony.
- Add some relevant tags to your post so people can find it when they Google stuff. Cross your fingers that everyone is Googling really specific stuff.
- Give it one last read-through before you hit the Publish button, making sure everything is spelled right and that you kept the promises you made in your ridiculous headline.
How to Earn Stacks of Cash
- Invent Facebook.
- Be Oprah.
- Befriend J.K. Rowling, establishing a deep and genuine connection with that delightful lady, but always remembering to stay a little healthier than she is so you outlive her and she includes you in her will.
Yep. That’s how it’s done.