It’ll Still Be Two Days Till I Say I’m Sorry
I think I may have a punchable face.
I can’t explain what makes it so punchable, exactly. I have a wicked case of RBF that is often misunderstood. Sometimes I get a little too into hockey fights and probably deserve a good punch in the face just to even things out. Maybe my freckles spell out “Punch Me,” but I never noticed because I always see them backwards in the mirror.
I’m not sure what it is, but lately it seems like a lot of people want to punch me. This surprises me because I’ve always thought of myself as the kind of person who should not get punched. In fact, I go out of my way to avoid ever giving anyone the impression that I ought to be punched.
And yet all of the sudden, there seem to be quite a few people out there who want to fight with me. I’m struggling to find any reasonable explanation besides my inherently punchable nature.
Explanations I’ve Considered
- I’m putting bad energy into the universe and it’s coming back to me, according to Oprah.
- Misdeeds from a past life are finally catching up to me.
- I said a bunch of really insulting things to a lot of people recently and then hit my head, losing all memory of my actions.
- My parents were not joking when they said I needed an attitude adjustment as a teenager, and this is life’s way of telling me.
- I accidentally signed up for a reality show.
- I truly have wronged these people in some way, and because I am occasionally oblivious and often self-absorbed, I failed to notice and made everything worse.
I think we can all agree that every explanation on that list, #6 in particular, is completely absurd and that my very punchable face is clearly the root of all of this recent conflict.
Like many humans, I hate conflict. Oh, I talk a big game. I’m an opinionated gal and whenever I think I’m right about something I make sure everybody knows it. In my head, I’m a total badass. In my head, I’m like To Kill a Mockingbird-era Atticus Finch in an argument.
How Fights Work in My Head
- You start an argument with me.
- Pow! I hit you with an intellectually sound argument demonstrating that you are wrong.
- Pow! I hit you again with a humble but poignant lesson in morality.
- Pow! I give you a little bit of wisdom about growing up in rural Alabama.
- Pow! I shoot a rabid dog in the street because — although I have compassion for animals and would never, ever kill a mockingbird — I’m not afraid to do what needs to be done while reminding everyone that I have the skills to back all of this up.
That’s not how reality works, though. In reality, I am more like a wet noodle with limp, noodley arms and a doughy, punchable face.
How Fights Work in Real Life
- You start an argument with me.
- I spend three days avoiding eye contact with you.
- I spend three more days pretending that you are Jimmy Stewart in It’s a Wonderful Life and you were never even born.
- I whine to everyone but you about the argument.
- I fantasize about how nice it must be to be a dictator and force everyone who disagrees with you to go work in a mine forever.
- I feel bad about that fantasy because dictators are bad, bad people and I don’t really want you to go work in a mine forever. Mostly.
- Instead of dealing with the problem, I burn the bridge. But not in an honest, “Hey, I’m burning this bridge now!” kind of way. In a sneaky, blow-up-the-bridge-at-night-and-then-pretend-I-was-nowhere-near-the-bridge-and-convince-you-that-you-must-have-burned-it-yourself-I-can’t-believe-you-don’t-remember-doing-that kind of way.
It’s all very healthy and brave of me. I don’t know why I’m like this. I suspect it has a lot to do with having noodle arms, and hating emotions, and wanting to be liked by everyone all the time.
What I do know is that it’s time to grow up, get over myself, and repair these relationships instead of abandoning them because I’m a chicken. It’s just that the conflict-avoidant part of me is not on board with this plan and now I’m fighting with myself.
It’s getting really bad, too. I haven’t talked to me in nearly a week.
Ever watch a dog chasing its tail and think “how stupid” until you realize that the dog is enjoying the process immensely and that, rather than catching the tail, is the sole purpose of the exercise?
Ummmm. I have seen your face, in photos. Is it vastly different in real life? How can it be? You strike me as likeable. I have way worse RBF than I’ve ever seen on you, but, if somebody punched it, well, the B wouldn’t be in R mode anymore, that’s for sure.
And how do you know they want to punch you? I can’t believe somebody would actually say that to you. Well, no, actually I can, because people do crazy weird stuff. But if they did, it probably just means they wish they were as likeable as you. So maybe you actually need more of the RBF. Then nobody will want to mess with you. Easy.
There’s something a little whiffy about #1 in the last list—”You start an argument with me.” Seems like there are a lot of steps missing there.
I am *really* glad that you pointed this out. When I was writing this last night, I was just trying to get to the next joke and wrote that first step in each list without giving it another thought. But you’re so right. Putting it that way absolves me of all guilt and makes me out to be a blameless victim. And while I can say that I am confused about how much conflict I’ve been attracting lately, I can also say that I am definitely not innocent. These fights certainly did not come out of nowhere and it’s kind of gross to imply that they did.
Just seeing is huge.
I have an annoying RBF (I call it my Resting Bitter Face) and I enjoy having it, because people tend to stay away (which is so nice!).
Haha, never thought of that strategy. Thanks.
You missed out step 8 of the real life argument… where you come up with the perfect comeback about 3 months later!
I said it once and I’ll say it again, I believe you enjoy your life (bravo) and love sharing it. When it comes to punching or being punched I advise that you DUCK! Loved this post.