Let Me Go Crazy, Crazy On You
I’m a clichéd 20-something, so my phone and I go everywhere together. We sleep next to each other, we road trip, we go out to bars. I’m a little worried it’s cramping my love life, but my phone can do more things than any guy I’ve ever dated and it doesn’t get all weird and accusatory when I ignore it or talk to other boys.
There’s a Mitch Hedberg joke that goes, “Sometimes in the middle of the night, I think of something that’s funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen’s too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain’t funny.” Because my phone and I have fused together to become one socially awkward superhuman, I don’t have to worry about finding a pen in the middle of the night any more– I just type myself a quick note and go back to sleep. Unfortunately, there are two flaws in this system.
The Terrible Two:
1) Because I write things down as soon as I think of them and assume I will review them in the morning, I never give myself any context. Of course, I don’t look at them the next morning. I find them weeks or months later and have absolutely no idea where they came from.
2) At some point after 1 a.m., I lose my mind. Not only do I have no context for the notes– I also have no idea what some of them mean. They read like a description of a Salvador Dali painting.
I don’t want to delete them in case I remember why they were so brilliant (not that that’s going to happen), so I have all these notes to myself– crazy half-written tweets, elaborately-titled lists, observations I thought were really meaningful at 3 a.m.– and I’ve had nowhere to put them. UNTIL NOW.
Late Night Notes from My Phone, Arranged from “Relatively Sane” to “Intensely Crazy Pants”
Places I Want to Kiss You, or, A Proposition in Prepositions:
– In stairwells
– Beneath trees
– Behind shelves
– Over dinner
– In front of people we hate
– Around people we like
– Out of doors
– In a hot air balloon
– In a bouncy castle
– After the gym
– Before the gym
– On a plain
– In Spain
– In the rain
Places I’ve Actually Kissed You:
Plans for My Life
Plan A: Get a job where I can eat pie and pet dogs all day. Is that a thing?
Plan B: Marry an astronaut. Does this make sense as a plan? Yes. Yes, it does. [Note: No. No, it does not.] This is definitely the best plan I’ve ever had! [Note: It probably is.]
– “To flirt” sounds like something you should do in the bathroom by yourself and never, ever talk about in polite company. Now every time my friends ask me if I think a guy was flirting, I’m just going to shout “YOU’RE DISGUSTING!” and not explain myself.
– If King Kong grabbed me and climbed up the Empire State Building, I would probably scream like a man. I need to practice feminine screaming.
– If Han Solo put down his blaster and Indiana Jones put down his whip and they got in a fight, who would win? I DON’T KNOW.
– Is Sandra Bullock doing ok? I hope she’s doing ok.
– For some reason, yelling “STOP DATING CRAZY PEOPLE!” at my friends has not resolved any of their issues.
– It freaks me out when people follow me on Twitter, but not as much as it freaks me out when people follow me in real life.
I Don’t Even Know
– Conan O’Brien has baby hands! BABY HANDS! BAAAAAAABYYYYY HAAAAANNNDS!!!
– An extremely short, extremely true story: The one time I went to a strip club, this really curvy stripper kissed my neck and purred at me and then told me I’d been a bad kitty. She asked me to put a dollar bill in my mouth so she could grab it with hers and get better tips from the men, but I told her I wouldn’t. She starting yelling at me and telling me she wanted a divorce and that she was taking kids. It was very confusing, but I have no regrets. Who knows where that dollar bill and stripper had been?
– I wish my name was Liesel Injection.
– When I start to fall asleep with my head under the covers, I can never tell if I’m tired or dying from lack of oxygen.
– Platypuses are the Judd Nelsons of the animal kingdom’s Breakfast Club.
– The scariest Halloween trick of all: We’re all going to die alone.
– Man. I would be an awkward ghost.
It has been a long time since I laughed this hard in bed. (I too sleep with my phone and am currently using it to read blogs.) We won’t talk about the other time…
Love the Heart lyrics for the title, and full-on dig the ???’s of where late-night ideas come from or even mean sometimes. Dream language that escaped? “Man. I would be an awkward ghost” is priceless. ~Jordan
Here are a couple of “nevers”:
•You never have to rewrite anything got got up in the middle of the night to write. (Think of Keith Richards and “Satisfaction” here. Do it, do it now.)
•Never quote anyone who died of a heroin overdose, no matter how funny he was in life. (This includes both Lenny Bruce and Mitch Hedberg.)
First, this was a hilarious read. Second, I totally do the same thing. My notes never make sense the next day (or next month) when I get to reading them. So tragic. ;)
I think to myself, reading, “Her blogs cannot POSSIBLY get any better than this…”
But you top yourself, every dang time.
Thank you for so much fun.
You know what’s nice about typing these into your phone? It’s legible! I scribble thoughts down in the dark and have no idea what they even say, let alone mean.
I have to tell you, I think the list of places to kiss would make a nice poem. Just sayin’.
Probably the best blog post I’ve read since joining WordPress.
Okay… Because of this post I might have to pay for the company laptop repaired as I split coffee on it from laughing so hard with this post! Awesome stuff!
Great post! My lists usually consist of music or food. I may have to start utilizing my phone more often at 3 am, although I am sure my lists still may not be as out there!
Thanks for the laugh :)
I needed that laugh!
“I need to practice feminine screaming,” made me LOL very inappropriately at work just now. Thanks for that :)
My notes in response to your notes…
You do scream like a girl
Harrison Ford- “That’s what she said”
But they’re all crazy
Still need 7 more…
I too suffer from after-2am-scribbles. My phone and I have a more independent lifestyle – I sleep in bed, it sleeps in the windowsill (poor coverage) – so I’m a fan of squiggling down notes in the dark. It isn’t always legible and it is usually bizaare. But always fun.