Owner of a Lonely Heart?

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night smiling because I’ve just had a beautiful dream about puppies and bubbles. These are wonderful moments, and if I could record the expression of joy on my face without some kind of creepy, Paranormal Activities camera set-up, I would. Then I would send it to each of you when you’re feeling down, partially to cheer you up and partially to satisfy an overpowering sense of schadenfreude.

Unfortunately, there are times when I wake up in the middle of the night thoroughly convinced that I’m actually a cancerous mass which will destroy everything it touches and die completely and rightfully alone. Someone is going to find my preserved body six years after my death, sitting in front of a computer, surrounded by Snickers wrappers and stuffed cats, empty eye-sockets pointed towards a Google search explaining how to perform the Heimlich maneuver on yourself.

For the sake of practicality and my future neighbors’ noses, I think I should find someone who will at least notice that I’ve choked on a candy bar and expired. I’ve been working on a strategy, and I think it’s finally ready to share with the world.

A Guide to Picking Attractive Strangers Up

1) Establish a firm grip.

2) Lift using your legs, not your back.

3) Ignore their protests and squirms.

Ok, seriously this time.

So You Wanna Pick Up An Attractive Stranger

Charm them with your rapier wit. Say something cool and casual.

A personal favorite of mine is, “I…of your…do you… I love pens. I mostly use them to write but also sometimes I stab things with them. Not people! I don’t stab people! Except once I hit my brother with a shovel! But I meant, like… packages and stuff. To open them? Ha?”

Joke with them! Did you know ugly cavemen used a sense of humor to attract cavewomen? My favorite joke demonstrates both my ability to read and memorize Laffy Taffy wrappers, and my inhuman Laffy Taffy-consumption. Yes, I really am a wonder.

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo’ drizzle.

– People like to chat about themselves, so listen more than you talk. I don’t reveal my name until the third date.

– Break the touch barrier. If you’re not a naturally affectionate person, this may be difficult. Start with baby steps, like discreetly stroking their shoelace, or briefly touching their eyebrow. Nothing weird about that.

– Project confidence! I’m not self-conscious about anything. Except my teeth. And my hair. And my entire life.

– Smell good. Sometimes I “accidentally” smear toothpaste on my face or clothes and I smell minty-fresh all day! This particular strategy has nabbed me many a date. Mainly with the obsessive-compulsive crowd.

– Have varied, interesting hobbies. I knit and read romance novels, but those traits often remind people of their grandmothers, so when I’m trying to pick someone up, I emphasize my cool hobbies, like quoting Star Wars and looking up celebrities’ heights on Google… while wearing a leather jacket.

– Don’t get too clingy or invested right away. I rarely talk about “feelings” or “act like I care”. When gooey subjects come up, I just shout “I AM A ROBOT!” and walk stiffly out of the room. It brings them to their knees. Every. Time.

– Emphasize that you’re not just a piece of meat– you have a pretty bodacious cerebrum, too. If you know a lot of useless information about a lot of subjects, I’ve found that the best way to demonstrate this is a highly-competitive game of Trivial Pursuit… TO THE DEATH.

– Don’t mention you have a blog or a twitter handle. This way, when your pick-up scheme inevitably fails, you can write mean-spirited blog posts or painfully bitter tweets about them. Because the internet is the only friend you’ll ever have, Stephanie, but it’s not so bad. Please stop crying into your keyboard. Please?

People who own pirate flags can’t die alone! They just can’t!


  1. Jenny

    I’m excited to know what shadenfreude is now. I intended to touch your shoelaces at the next possible oppurtunity, and I am most happy to know that people with pirate flags can not die alone (my own says, “the beatings will continue until morale improves.”) Thank you for this wonderful insight!

  2. Lorna's Voice

    I don’t know why your social calendar isn’t bursting at the seams with suitors–even ones you’d actually go out with! ;)

    Excellent post. I love the bit about your hobbies being grandmotherish. So are mine. Sigh…

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