I Can Haz Soshul Life?

A while ago, I was talking to my friend Chris about watching television online and seeing the same commercials over and over again.

Chris said, “I hate those Axe bodywash commercials. That’s all they ever play.”

I said, “What? I’ve never seen one of those, but I’m so sick of the cat food commercials.”

He looked at me. “Cat food ads? Oh my god, it’s like they see your future.” And in that instant, I came to a horrifying realization. The internet thinks I’m going to die alone.

So this is a message to you, Internet. You don’t know me, but you’ve doomed me to a life of hairballs and tears falling into animal dander by sending me to websites like this, this, and this on StumbleUpon. I’d like to tell you a few things about me that may change your mind.

1) I don’t even like cats. I’m a dog person.

it is my cat which is about 1.5-2 months old. ...

Although that’s… that’s kind of cute. Kind of.

2) I have hobbies, you know.

I knit. Not well, and only in short bursts with months in between… although it’s suddenly occurring to me that knitting requires yarn. You know who loves yarn? Cats.

I also have this blog. It’s great for illustrating the way I attract people with my social aptitude and grace, by which I mean “it’s great for illustrating the way I scare people off in painfully awkward ways.” Fine. Maybe that’s not the best evidence.

I do other things! I read books! And sure, some of them are from a genre that starts with “r” and ends in “omance novel”, but that doesn’t mean anything. I’m sure lots of very popular people venture into freezing temperatures to find the last installment in a series about time-traveling Highland hunks on New Year’s Eve when other people are at parties.

3) I’m getting over my commitment phobia.

For a while there, I had this fun game called “Scare Anyone Who’s Romantically Interested in You Off With the Nerdiest Reference Possible”, but I don’t play as often anymore. (One time I name-dropped obscure Pokemon in a conversation with a guy, which was pretty effective, but nothing can beat last week when I told someone, “Move along. This is not the droid you’re looking for.” But I swear I’m done now!)

Sure, it’s been over a year since I went on a date, but I may be at the point where I’m able to commit to a pet. Like a puppy! Or a kit— oh no.

4) When I grow up, I want to be like Tina Fey on 30 Rock.

Her character has a fulfilling career as the head writer of a sketch comedy show in New York, which may be the best job ever. Liz Lemon is way too successful and feminist to ever become a Cat Lady, and therefore I am too. In fact, here’s a clip of Tina Fey being happily self-actualized. Please ignore the cat named Emily Dickinson:

5) If I had to be a Cat Lady, I’d at least be Catwoman.

I’d wear less leather than Catwoman though. I’d probably skip the mask and go with jeans and the Christmas sweater my grandma gave me a couple years ago. If I was committing crimes, I would of course have to put my glasses on a chain, so they didn’t slip off but I could still use them if necessary. Yes, maybe those things are a little frumpy, but leather seems so squeaky. And at least I don’t have crazy Cat Lady hair or anything.

…Never mind.

Fine, Internet. You win.


  1. Hope

    It’s my life dream to be Liz Lemon and/or Tina Fey, too! Can’t wait to see you in the SNL writers’ room in a couple years. We can do it!

    • Stephanie

      See? This is why I’m worried we may secretly be living exactly the same lives. On the bright side, that probably means we’ll get along swimmingly in the writers’ room.

  2. Mary

    You are too beautiful to be a crazy cat lady. At least that’s what i tell my self. And i have 2 cats (okay 4). I figure if i repeat it enough times it will come true, right?

    • Stephanie

      Ha. A mantra like that might do the trick. On the other hand, I’ve been telling myself that I’m too graceful to be neurotic for a while now, and it’s not working.

  3. Kirsty {a safe mooring}

    Time-travelling highland hunks? Are you talking about Diana Gabaldon?? Because if so, that is TOTALLY normal behaviour. Jamie is HAWT. (Ok he’s not real but that is totally beside the point.)

    • Stephanie

      It’s actually not Diana Gabaldon, but I’m kind of sad you told me that exists because now I have to read it and more people will make fun of me. :( Oh well. Worth it.

  4. talkingDigital

    If you ever have a Mass Comm professor who rants to the entire class that they should all spend the entire summer reading textbooks on basic writing…
    Certain students should not listen as much to his advice. Instead, they should enjoy their SUMMAR.
    This post got a big I LIKE IT on Stumble.

    • Stephanie

      Thanks, Cochran! This is probably the comment I’m most proud of on this whole blog. I feel like such a nerd because I bought The Elements of Style for my 18th birthday and all I could think during that whole class period was, “Man, I have to re-read that. My punctuation is a mess.” Thanks for liking it on Stumble, too. Have a great summer!

  5. Becky

    “One time I name-dropped obscure Pokemon in a conversation with a guy, which was pretty effective, but nothing can beat last week when I told someone, ‘Move along. This is not the droid you’re looking for.’ But I swear I’m done now!”

    That’s probably one of the most beautiful paragraphs I’ve read all day. And I’m voraciously slaying a summer reading list compiled to prevent myself from studying for the MCAT, so I’ve read a lot of paragraphs lately.

    • Stephanie

      Ha. Thanks! I think “slaying a summer reading list” may be a new favorite phrase of mine now, too. Good luck with your studying/procrastinating!

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